Top 5 Things to Teach Your Child Before Kindergarten

Dr. Jazmine | The Mom Psychologist

90% of your child’s brain develops by age 5. To ‘develop’ is to change, and your child’s brain is changing at rapid speed. 

In fact, your child’s brain makes at least 1 million new neural connections every SECOND - far more than any other time in their life. 

During these early years, your child’s brain has the ability to develop (or not) connections for higher level abilities like:

• Self-regulation (the ability to understand and manage emotions and reactions)

• Motivation 

• Problem solving

• Self-esteem

• Communication 

While definitely not impossible, it’s harder to develop these connections later in life so it’s crucial to maximize this early window of development so your child has the keys to success. 

This is why I do what I do - to help amazing parents like you learn easy ways to help their children thrive. 

“Now how are these connections made?”, you might be wondering.  

It’s pretty straightforward - Everyday positive experiences with you (and other caregivers). As humans, we are wired to connect. Development is a relational process.

I’m willing to bet, since you’re reading this letter, that you’re one of the most (if not the most) influential people in your child’s life. You are the one that will help them make sense of the world and learn these higher level brain skills. 

It’s so important your relationship with your child is mostly:

• Warm (e.g., smiles, hugs, inviting tone and approach)

• Engaging (e.g., eye contact, consistent positive interactions like singing, reading, playing, conversating, etc)

• Attuned (e.g., pick up on their cues/needs and respond) 

• Dependable - your child can count on you to support them

Your child’s brain development counts on you to show up - not perfectly, but consistently.

So here are the top 5 things to make sure you start teaching your child by age 5. 

Key word here is "start." These are not skills your child is expected to have mastered by this age. These are simply the skills to have on your radar to start teaching.

How to share their feelings & needs in respectful ways

Emotional intelligence is such a foundational skill that translates into all areas of your child’s life including how they approach learning and relationships. I teach this in depth inside my online parenting program, Positive Discipline Academy, but here are a few quick tips to get you started. 

1. First, teach them how to identify different feelings. Children's books are a wonderful way to help with this. Start exposing them to books that show baby faces (babies love to faces, both theirs and others).
   
   Here’s a list of my personal favorites for infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. My personal favorite for babies is Baby Faces by DK and Making Faces: A First Book of Emotions by Abrams Appleseed and for babies and toddlers. For preschoolers, I love  Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang and In My Heart by Jo Witek. 

2. Then identify the feelings of characters in the media. Have ongoing conversations about feelings to help expand their vocabulary & understanding.
   
   Start this in infancy and continue throughout the years. It’s especially important to start as your child enters their tantrum era. Point out how “mad”, “frustrated”, “disappointed”, and “sad” they are.
   
   For my toddler son, I’ll say things like “(Name) is mad! Grrrrr!” or “(Name) is sad. Aww sad (name).” You can tell he’s listening. This helps him learn about feelings in the moment as he’s experiencing them.
   
   In order to understand something, we have to have a name for it. Labels help children understand themselves (and their world) in new more profound ways. So look for everyday experiences to point out emotions (both yours, your child’s and others’).
   
   When they get upset, try to help them identify their feelings (e.g., "It looks like you're feeling X right now. Is that right?").
   
   You can also do the same for their needs. Let’s say they are whining, complaining, crying, or otherwise trying to communicate with their body or sounds that they need something.. Instead of meeting it right away, slow them down and:

   1. Identify what they are asking for 

   2. Say it out loud, “You want me to pick you up.”

   3. Say out loud how they can ask, “Pick up.” for early talkers and “Can you pick me up please?” if your child’s language is more advanced. 

   4. For toddlers, just meet their request and for older children you’ll pause for a beat so they can practice making the verbal request.

At first, don’t expect your child to make those requests (or even repeat what you say) on their own. Just keep modeling and they will eventually pick it up. But as their language develops, if they are not naturally saying it, you can prompt them to practice. Over time through this process, you’re helping your child learn how to understand and articulate their needs to you.

How to understand and assert body boundaries.

This one is so important and will help cut back on toy battles and conflict significantly. In the toddler years, start by teaching them how to assert their own body boundaries (and understand others’). 

So as they are interacting with you or their siblings, start to get in the habit of identifying what everyone needs at the moment. 

Common needs in social interactions:

• Physical space (they need distance from another person) 

• Emotional space (they would like to be left alone)

• A toy returned 

• A toy to play with (that someone else is playing with) 

• Play and interaction (they’re craving social connection)

• For another child to stop bothering them 

It’s crucial that you observe these interactions carefully and try to identify what each child is needing. From there, you teach them how to understand and respect others’ body boundaries (and social requests). 

For instance, let’s say you notice one child is getting irritated by another child because they keep getting in their “body bubble.” Turn to the child looking irritated and say, “It looks like you need space. Is that right? You can tell other child ‘Space please.” 

If the other child can’t speak up for themselves (i.e., infant, young toddler, early talker) then you use the words for them and help the other child respect their boundaries. “It looks like she needs space. She doesn’t like that.” And then redirect the child (e.g., get involved in their play to redirect the moment).
In general, it’s crucial children know how to 1) understand and 2) communicate the following phrases:

• "Space please."

• "I don't like that."

• "No thank you." 

• “Please give that back.” 

Then, model respecting their boundaries as well as asserting your own with the same phrases. 

Also, the book My Body! What I Say Goes! By Jayneen Sanders is a great resource for teaching kids about body boundaries and consent. 

Various coping skills

It’s important to understand that in the early years, your child’s primary way of coping is YOU. They will instinctively turn to you for nurturance, support, and help. 

As I previously discussed, it’s so important to be attuned to their cues and meet their emotional needs as best as you can. Remember, this isn’t about perfection but we do want to try to be as consistent as possible. 

Sure, over time, as your child develops, their coping skills “toolbox” will expand but:

1. Nothing regulates a child more than a supportive, caring adult.

2. This is not about forcing them to practice a coping skill. Coping skills only work if your child actually wants to do them. 

3. Which is why modeling and practicing together are the best ways to teach coping skills. 

Ideas for coping skills:

• Taking a break (e.g., like during an overwhelming task or frustrating moment)

• Going to another area when someone else is bothering them. 

• Asking an adult for help (vs. responding impulsively and with anger).

• Taking care of their bodies (i.e., understanding their body cues and learning how to meet their needs (or ask others to help them)

• Engaging their senses (e.g., water play, kinetic sand, smell a candle, listen to calming music, etc)

• Movement (e.g., dancing, obstacle course, jumping, yoga, nature walk, etc) 

• Creativity to express themselves, relax or cultivate joy 

• Distraction (e.g., reading, working on a project, talking to someone) 

If you look carefully at this list, these are often things you naturally expose your child to. Dance parties, bathtime, reading books, art, etc - these are things we do in everyday life.

So the key here is not necessarily to change what you’re doing but to:

• Point out to your child in subtle ways that these things are not only FUN but they also help our bodies feel calm.
  
  You can do this by pointing out how these things may YOUR body feel afterwards or just flat out say, “This was so fun to do with you. And guess what? Sometimes these things can also help our bodies feel relaxed and calm when we’re sad or mad. How does your body feel right now?” 

• Remind your child of their favorite ways to ease stress (e.g., “We’re having a tough moment. Do you think drawing our feelings might help right now?”). 

Tips for teaching coping skills:

• The best way to begin teaching coping skills is to practice them when everyone is calm. 

• Follow your child’s lead. Do the things that naturally interest them because these are the things that will likely help calm them down. Don’t overthink this. You don’t need to run to Pinterest or social media for ideas. Do what comes naturally for your child and build off of that. 

• When they feel overwhelmed, offer suggestions of things they can try but allow them to choose and have agency over the process. 

• In the heat of the moment, no one likes to feel controlled. Focus on practicing coping skills yourself (vs. trying to make your child calm down). “Phew, we’re having a hard time right now. I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm my body down so I can think clearly.” 

 The power of "yet" & how to persist despite difficulty

For example, "I can't do that yet!"
Especially in the early years, you want to focus on creating an empowering home that offers warmth & connection especially when kids make mistakes or have intense feelings.

Teach them that brains get stronger with practice and that mistakes are how we learn. Recognize and commend them for their effort, not the end result (e.g., "I love how you didn't give up! You felt frustrated at first but with time and work, you did it! I bet you feel proud of yourself!").

Through everyday moments, your child is paying close attention to the messages you teach them about mistakes, mishaps, conflict, and intense feelings.

Examples of crucial learning moments for your child: 

• When they’re faced with a challenge (e.g., potty training, riding a bike, reading, drawing, etc). 

• Whenever they make a mistake like spill their drink or accidentally let their impulses run the show and wack their sister. 

• Whenever they share intense feelings. 

• There is conflict with siblings, peers, or you (and other caregivers). 

• When they don’t listen to your instructions (i.e., disobedience).

 Your child learns important lessons about what it means to learn new things, make mistakes, be in conflict with others and more through everyday experiences.

How to contribute to their family and community in meaningful ways

Young children love to feel helpful so invite them to get involved as much as possible. Whether it's unloading the dishwasher, feeding the pet, watering the plants or grabbing something off the counter, your child probably can't wait to jump in and help! 

Chores (aka family jobs or offerings) are a great way to teach responsibility and help children feel valued in a consistent and predictable way.

Ideas for toddlers and preschoolers (ages 1 through 5+):

• Put toys in the toy box

• Fetch diapers + wipes

• Stack books on shelf

• Wipe up spills

• Retrieve dishes from dishwasher

• Throw trash away

• Place dirty clothes in dirty hamper

• Feed pets

• Water houseplants

Having trouble getting your little one to get involved around the house? Check out this video for practical tips to motivate your child to do chores (without bribes or allowance). You can also download my free chore checklist, which includes age-appropriate chores for toddlers through teens as well as a chore chart to help keep everyone organized and accountable. 

Other important skills to begin teaching by age 5:

• How to express their gratitude to others. 

• How to take turns (& wait for theirs).

• Empathy and how to read others' social cues.

• Self-love and the beauty of diversity (e.g., how to celebrate differences) 

Keep in mind: Every child will learn these skills in their own time. 

While you want to *start* teaching these skills in the early years, the time in which it takes them to master these skills will probably take much longer. Heck, even us adults are still working on some of these.

So in summary, in the first 5 years make sure to start teaching your child:

1. How to understand and share their feelings in healthy ways. 

2. How to assert their body boundaries (and respect others’ space, too).

3. The art of coping skills (don’t overthink this or force them). 

4. The power of “yet” and the beauty of failure & mistakes.

5. How to make meaningful contributions to family and community.